How can we respond when our tween lies to us?

When we discover our tween has been lying to us it can definitely trigger all sorts of reactions. So I wanted to outline a few thoughts around our response to lying in line with my PLAY HEALING PAUSE MODEL.

1. PAUSE 

- Pause and connect with the child’s experience. What has taken place before the event? How are they feeling in the moment? Sometimes pausing itself gives the child enough take up time to have the chance to repair the relationship themselves and say sorry.

- Pause and connect to where you are in the moment and where you FEEL the emotion. This will also give you a chance to moderate your response and check for any feelings of offence, confusion and anger.

2. ATTUNE -  Ask yourself, ‘Why are they saying this? Are they afraid of the consequences? Have they genuinely forgotten? 

If it becomes clear they just keep forgetting, for example, not washing hands. You could use power reversal play pretending that you’ve forgotten what to do after going to the loo, or sing ‘What do you do after going to the loo?’ in a fun voice. These are things that we can chat through during coaching sessions.

3. UNDERSTAND YOUR TRIGGERS - - Pause to understand why their behaviour  may be triggering you (this again may take coaching to explore further, depending on how your own parents responded to lying.)

4. SYSTEMS IN PLACE - using the gift of curiosity one response could be: “Hmm I’m wondering why you’ve told mummy you’ve eaten all your food, cleaned your plate and put in the dishwasher yet, I’ve just found a plate that looks exactly like yours in the bin?” 

Having stories in the home that talk about the power of telling the truth can also be an amazing tool. 

Parental Controls on Tech: Sometimes our expectations of our children are unrealistically high when it comes to our own children ‘taking responsibility’. For example, if you decide to give your tween access on a phone to TikTok with no time limit they are far more likely to come across unhealthy content. Worse, they become sucked into the world of social media at an early age when their brain is still forming connections rapidly. Without parental controls, it also increases the likelihood of conflict around turning a game off etc.

5. ENVIRONMENT Around the Tween - We are the environment around the tween. Are we being that safe harbor for our children to find shelter in when they make mistakes? Are we using these challenging moments as opportunities to grow and learn?

In essence: 

We can respond with calm curiosity or in a cross way. 

When we look at the flow of PAUSE - PLAY - CONNECT, how will the way we respond cultivate deeper connection? 

Let me know how you get on and don’t forget to reach out if you feel the need,

Debi x